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[06 May 2010|06:01pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Election night. The polls don't really tell us anything. The best guess is a hung parliament. Thank goodness for that. The prospect of Cameron and his bunch of homophobic loons taking power is a real distressing. I was feeling physically sick earlier in the week after reading an article on what the Conservatives have been doing in Hammersmith. God save us all if they manage to squeeze in, somehow.

I'm not sure how late I'll be able to stay up till. I have to do some computer training at 9.00am tomorrow so I will have to be reasonably sensible. I'd quite like to stay up till 2.30am, but I imagine I'll fall asleep by then. Not a lot going on in the afternoon though.

Caroline Quinn and Eddie Meyer are currently describing the radio studio from which they'll be broadcasting their election coverage - brilliant! Very funny!

Work was tough today. Didn't stop. I seemed to be performing all day. Clients, colleagues, network meetings. I had lunch on my own and read The Times. They didn't have The Guardian in the paper shop. I'm probably going to swap my allegiance. I know the quality of journalism in the Times is better, but they have come out strongly for Cameron and Murdoch's manipulative attempts to undermine the BBC are just contemptuous. I don't want to support him in any way. Still his ludicrous internet firewall for the Times will hopefully fail big time.

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The Primal Blueprint [30 Apr 2010|08:21pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Friday evening. I'm feeling wonderfully relaxed after an acupuncture session earlier on. I managed to stretch it out to 10 days since my last one, which since they have become a lot more expensive is probably the only way I'm going to be able to afford them. If I can get it to once a fortnight that will be ideal.

I've been feeling a bit weird this week. It may be that I'm recovering from the overindulgence of last week, which I spent in a very nice hotel in Brighton. Eating and drinking far too much. Alas the swimming pool didn't get the look in I'd planned. Very pretty men in Brighton. I think I need to start getting fit for the summer after all that excess. Even the acupuncturist noticed I'd put on some weight. I think he meant it as a compliment as I'm normally quite skinny, but it just felt that I really need to watch what I eat for the next week! Still I'm quite interested in the Primal Blueprint. I bought it from Amazon a couple of weeks ago and I'm about half way through. The idea is that you eat like a paleolithic person - nuts, fruit, vegtables and meat and fish. So no grains, minimal dairy and nothing artificial. I like the idea though I'm going to have trouble giving up tea, coffee and alcohol. You don't have to stop those entirely but I always drink far too much tea and coffee and I like alcohol at the weekends. I don't mind giving up grains and I like veg and fruit meat and fish so that's no hassle. We'll see.

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Mood [19 Apr 2010|05:42pm]
[ mood | low ]

My uncle died last week. He was 94. A very reasonable age and he wasn't very well, poor man. I can't go to the funeral, but I can go to the memorial service in about six weeks time.

The sun's still shining but my mood feels stuck.  There seems to be no doubt that it's very linked to consumption of alcohol which means I'm facing a teetotal future - at least over the coming months. It's not even that I drink that much. I don't drink on work nights and not on Sunday, so there's only Friday evening and Saturday. But I don't really know how I can manage to lift myself out of this unless I accept that it'll be still water or orange juice from here on. Alcohol is a depressant so I guess if I'm vulnerable I'm going to be sensitive and react badly.

Doctor Who was terrible on Saturday. Such a disappointment. Matt Smith and Karen Gillan were still great but the script was a real stinker and they've redesigned the Daleks and they look crap! 

I think the Nick Clegg bubble is going to burst soon. The media are building him up and no doubt they will soon be knocking him down. The debate last week was more interesting than I'd expected. Clegg had nothing to loose and everything to gain. I'm keen for a hung parliament. That seems to me to be the only way there's a chance that the electoral system might change. I discovered an interesting link on Twitter which shows how the main parties voted on LGBT issues during recent times. Guess which party comes off worse? Check out www.mygayvote.com

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The Shed (again) [12 Apr 2010|06:49pm]
[ mood | angry ]

I'm feeling pretty annoyed today. I've had to put up with a really horrible shed in the communal garden which my bedroom and sitting room windows overlook. I was very pleased to hear, several months ago, that it had to be demolished because the roof was rotten. Now one of my neighbours is volunteering to repair it for free. It's very frustrating, especially as I'd had a conversation with this particular person explaining why I wanted it removed and he seemed quite accepting of the idea.

I'm getting really fed up with these constant arguments with neighbours over changes to the building. This particular person seems hellbent on making everyone's life a misery by making unhelpful suggestions like painting the outside wall black so it doesn't show up the dirt! It then takes a lot of time and effort to argue against all his ideas and wait for everyone (there are four eight flats in total) to respond. 

Perhaps I ought to move!

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good and bad [11 Apr 2010|05:48pm]
[ mood | content ]

Friday evening was a bit of right off. I should have stayed home. Woke up with a hangover. Not a good start to the weekend. The weather was nice and I managed to do some shopping in the West End. Couldn't find the audio books I was looking for though. Spent the afternoon back at home reading The Primal Blueprint and watching Outnumbered from Thursday - Brilliant as ever!

In the evening it was the GLADD Annual General Meeting. A weird speech from Iona Heath about discrimination which seemed to revolve around stereotyping and criticising psychiatrists. I wasn't quite sure what to make of it really. Still I was sat next to a really nice guy from Warwick University who was really interesting. An ex Chemistry graduate who had become a post grad medical student. It would be nice to see him again. On my other side was an ex cabin crew at BA who was training to be a dentist. He made some inappropriate comments about cerebral palsy and electric toothbrushes. He did say sorry afterwards. I think the wine had been flowing. It was a very enjoyable evening though and the food was excellent. Rafik mentioned something about a walk with Outdoor Lads today but he didn't text me about it. I suspect they went out clubbing last night and 5 mile treks along the river weren't really a viable option for today, despite the weather.

I bought a shirt in Kingston. The only one in my size in one of the colours I wanted. I had planned on getting four. Selfridges next week perhaps? I watched yesterday's Dr Who which was again quite excellent and very creepy. Karen Gillan is a breath of fresh air and Matt Smith is delightfully quirky. I think he's got a wider range than David Tennant. A.A. Gill made an interesting comment in today's Sunday Times that Tennant seemed to have a very limited number of expressions. Looking back and comparing him to Smith I think that's quite true. But what was that about. Tennant as an actor has quite a wide range. Why was he restricting his performance so much I wonder? Was that RTD?

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Meeting [09 Apr 2010|04:50pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

The meeting with my manager went as well as could be expected. No firm conclusions yet, but at least we were working together on my job plan rather than at loggerheads. I feel a lot more positive about the whole thing. We have a follow up meeting in about ten days time so hopefully we can get the whole thing sorted out by then.

Amazing weather today. Really hot. Proper spring. How long for I wonder?

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[08 Apr 2010|07:01pm]
[ mood | worried ]

 Nice to see some sunshine at last. Though of course in the office not much of that reached me. I had a busy morning. Hardly any time to stop. Successful though.

This afternoon I wrote reports. I'm gradually clearing the backlog.

Tomorrow I have a discussion with my manager regarding my job plan. I'm really worried as last time this happened we didn't resolve anything and I ended up really stressed out and contemplating going to see the GP for antidepressants! I'm hoping for something a bit more helpful from her this time, but I'm really wary. At least it's a Friday so I can "chillax" - as one of my clients described it.

I had a delivery from Amazon today - always a nice feeling. Paul Magrs' new book The Diary of a Dr Who Addict which should be very funny and The Primal Blueprint which is a diet and exercise book based around the hunter gatherer lifestyle of our early ancestors. Sounds like a re-telling of the X Factor diet but I'm interested in his ideas about exercise - apparently we tend to push ourselves far too hard at the Gym. Which is a welcome message!

Outnumbered is on tonight! Hooray! My favourite British sitcom. The whole thing is genius.

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Election [07 Apr 2010|06:08pm]
[ mood | content ]

A really good night's sleep. My head hit the pillow and then I woke up a couple of minutes before the alarm. Really refreshing. The journey to work was made tolerable by listening to the audio book of Margery Allingham's The Mind Readers. I read this ages ago so can't remember much of it, except that it's one of her later mysteries, so her detective, Albert Campion is in his sixties or early seventies at this point in his career. Campion hasn't appeared so far but it has all the trappings of a good yarn.

I spent most of the day writing a hideous report which was really hard work. But I received positive feedback from my manager so all is good. I realised I hadn't written up the minutes of the last LGBT meeting so stayed an extra hour after home time to get it done and send it out in preparation for next week's meeting.

Mum and Dad are phoning tonight. Not sure that there is much more to say after all the chat on Sunday. Still we'll see.

The election coverage is gearing up. If either Labour or Conservatives get in it feels like it'll be a disaster. I think I want a hung parliament. Perhaps then we would get some sensible policies. I'm really concerned about what either of the main parties would do to the BBC. The BBC is the only decent thing about this country at the moment. The one thing that government hasn't had the opportunity to ruin. I shudder to think what either of the main parties would do to it.

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[06 Apr 2010|08:06pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]

 I've just had acupuncture so I'm very relaxed at the moment. I think moving my sessions to midweek has been of definite benefit. I used to go on Friday nights, but then the weekend was relaxing so I'm not sure it was that helpful. Whereas on a weekday I'm usually stressed up from work and it's a pleasant oasis of calm. Still I've only had one day back, but he's off on leave tomorrow so couldn't do a Wednesday session. He's given me some chinese herbal medicine for my ear. I also had that awful needle near your temple where you have to open your mouth while he sticks the needle in otherwise it goes through some juicy nerve or vessel. It always freaks me out that manoeuvre.

I'm hoping I'll sleep better than last night. I woke at 1am and had a fitful sleep for the rest of the night. Could be the stress of going back to work or maybe the low carb diet. Yesterday was day one and it's certainly making me more alert. Hopefully I'll begin to reap some other benefits later in the week. I managed a reasonably decent salad in the canteen and went to Waitrose this evening and stocked up fruit and veggies.

Mark phoned last night. It was good to hear from him. His "husband" is finally moving in to his mother's place in Devon. About time too. Still who am I to criticise!

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Bank Holiday [05 Apr 2010|10:14am]
[ mood | geeky ]

So far so good. A decent weekend is being had. Down at my folks in Sussex yesterday. Good food, nice wine and of course chocolate. Shame about the weather, so we couldn't really get out, but it was good to catch up and find out what's been going on with all the relatives. I lent them last years "24" which will look good on their new widescreen. I decided to come back late last night rather than stay over. I wanted to wake up in my own bed. And I then had a chance to watch another episode of "Queer as Folk". Series Two doesn't quite have the energy of series one and it's deviating wildly from the UK, Russell T. Davis original. I think that works well. RTD is hardly the greatest plot merchant as Saturday's triumphant return of Doctor Who only goes to prove. Steven Moffat certainly knows how to write a plot!

Twitter was even trending Doctor Who and Matt Smith: 8 million viewers on yesterdays count. Bound to go up by the end of the week when they take into account everyone who taped it. The only disappointment was the new re-working of the theme which was pants. Shame because the previous version really stirred you up. 

Matt Smith is great as the Doctor and Karen Gillan was awesome. A really ballsy, slightly off beat character. And stunningly beautiful too. What is it with Doctor Who companions and red hair? Her back story is great too. 

Not sure what to do with today. More clothes shopping perhaps? Everything is wearing out and I need new shirts. There were some really nice trousers in Howies made of a denim type material - not exactly Jeans but they looked good.

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Time In vs Time Out [02 Apr 2010|04:31pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Good to have a day off and nice to wake up late for a change. The light was creeping in through the curtains, so much better than the pitch black of my usual 5am start to the day.

I have very vague plans this weekend, which is how I like it. I don't feel too tethered down then. The working week is so much dictated by time - appointments, meetings, deadlines, that free time where there are no firm boundaries or commitments is absolutely glorious. That said, I do have family stuff to do on Sunday. I haven't decided whether to stay over or come back that evening though.

The downside is the risk that I'll spend a good proportion of the weekend on my own. It feels a bit weird because the last 10 days have been revolving around the London Lesbian and Gay Film Festival with meals out with different combinations of friends for different films.

I wish I could somehow work out how to get the right balance between socialising and solitude. I never seem to get it right. 

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Five Years!!!!! [01 Apr 2010|08:25pm]
It's around five years since my last post on here and it's been rather weird looking at what I had written. It was even weirder reading my journal before that, which was full of the pain and angst of the distressing separation from my partner in 2003.

In 2005 I had decided it would be all change. A new journal. A new me. I wrote for about a month or so and then it all petered out.

What seems extraordinary now, and what has motivated me to try to start this journal again, is how vividly I wrote about my feelings at that time. How honest and open I was about what was going on in my life and how willing I was to experience and express it all. 

There is a brilliant first line to an otherwise enjoyable but unremarkable book called The Go-Between. "The past is a foreign country, they do things differently there". Re-reading that journal felt like entering the heart of a completely different man. Somehow I have become more detached and distant from myself. Perhaps life has worn me down? Maybe the single life, being separate and without someone to share with, has left me somehow hardened and disconnected.

I'm hoping that starting to write again will bring me back in contact with myself. Allow me to search out the person I was then and integrate them back into the person I am now. These are the first few steps in a journey that I hope will be life changing. 
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The First Day [01 Jan 2005|04:10pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

So it's 2005 at last. Good riddance to 2004. This is the first page of a new journal. "Hello again" to those of you who know me from before. "Welcome" to anybody new who just happens to have dropped in.

The new year started promisingly enough with a party in the city and a trip to the roof at midnight so that we could see the whole of London's skyline and experience the amazing fireworks at the London Eye and everywhere else. Totally awesome. I struggled back home in the wee small hours a very happy chap and had a reasonable few hours sleep to boot.

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